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Karin shared a Question

Book Club Beginnings!!

Hi All, We are starting a discussion group here in Belvedere this February!
Leave a comment on your best times and days to take your Shift off the page.

Hi All, We are starting a discussion group here in Belvedere this February!
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FUN, wine, fitness, Support group, books

SAS for Women shared a Question

What Women Should Know About High Net Worth Divorce

Very often in high net worth divorces, women are considered the less affluent partner. They may enjoy a very privileged and even enviable lifestyle, but because they are not the “breadwinner” or “rainmaker,” their own sense of power and independence may feel minimized, especially when it comes to divorce. Of course, the reality is that most of these women played a vital role as advisor to their husbands and often, mothers to their children. They might have financed his education, managed all the decisions around his career and their shared lifestyle, and actually have cultivated and nurtured the professional and social connections that helped them attain and secure their shared, current high net worth life. And yet, these same women may have no access to the cash or understand where the cash comes from. In a perverse reversal of privil...

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Very often in high net worth divorces, women are considered the less affluent partner. They may enjoy a very privileged and even enviable lifestyle, but because they are not the “breadwinner” or “rainmaker,” their own sense of power and independence may feel minimized, especially when it comes to divorce. Of course, the reality is that most of these women played a vital role as advisor to their husbands and often, mothers to their children. They might have financed his education, managed all the decisions around his career and their shared lifestyle, and actually have cultivated and nurtured the professional and social connections that helped them attain and secure their shared, current high net worth life. And yet, these same women may have no access to the cash or understand where the cash comes from. In a perverse reversal of privilege, they might even feel ashamed when considering what’s otherwise possible for their lives. They may feel trapped. While there are clearly many aspects–emotional, practical, socio-economic, historical, etc.–related to this scenario, this article will focus on the black and white legal aspects of today.

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divorce attorney, women and divorce, high net worth divorce

Misa Beach shared a Question

Holidays

Is anyone willing to share their story about new holiday traditions you are creating or have created post divorce? Please share!


Misa Beach commented on this Question

holiday traditions, traditions, Surviving The Holidays, Holiday Spirit, Divorce advice for the holidays, holidays, divorce advice, newly divorced

A Modern Shift member shared a Question

Divorce Advice

I'm finally ready to ask for a divorce. How should I prepare myself both emotionally and financially?

I'm finally ready to ask for a divorce. How should I prepare myself both emotionally and financia...

Karin commented on this Question

divorce advice

Trish shared a Question

Father's Day - and Divorce Moms

How do you help your children honor your ex on Father's Day? Do you help?


Karin commented on this Question

Divorced Moms, dads, Father's Day

A Modern Shift member shared a Question

Divorce support groups in my area

I am looking for a divorce support group in Marin, CA - my zip code is 94904. Do you know of a group in my area that is free ?


Karin, hisen1 and kyle commented on this Question

A Modern Shift member shared a Question

HOW DO I MOVE ON? MY LIFE IS A F'N DISASTER...

When will I be ready? Where do I begin…???

When will I be ready? Where do I begin…???

Modern Shift commented on this Question

divorce advice, Finding Happiness After Divorce

Modern Shift shared a Question

Will the Kids Be All Right? Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children | SAS For Women

Talk to any splitting parent, and it’s the kids.

No matter where you are in the process — deliberating whether or not to divorce, looking for divorce help, separated, or even, “I’ve signed the divorce papers, but I still feel like I am recovering,” — if you are like I was, you worry: what are the long term effects of divorce on children? How will my personal story play out? How will my kids fare as “children of divorce?”

When I was debating my own divorce, I was fixated on my girls. The way I saw it, their well-being was the single deciding factor as to whether I would or not pursue the unspeakable. And it was this dilemma that had me shifting uncomfortably on the fence: Would my kids be all right?

I asked friends who were children of divorce. Did they feel okay? Did they think themselves reasonably adjusted? How screwed ...

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Talk to any splitting parent, and it’s the kids.

No matter where you are in the process — deliberating whether or not to divorce, looking for divorce help, separated, or even, “I’ve signed the divorce papers, but I still feel like I am recovering,” — if you are like I was, you worry: what are the long term effects of divorce on children? How will my personal story play out? How will my kids fare as “children of divorce?”

When I was debating my own divorce, I was fixated on my girls. The way I saw it, their well-being was the single deciding factor as to whether I would or not pursue the unspeakable. And it was this dilemma that had me shifting uncomfortably on the fence: Would my kids be all right?

I asked friends who were children of divorce. Did they feel okay? Did they think themselves reasonably adjusted? How screwed up were they as a result of their parents’ split? What I discovered were answers that were decidedly uneven and mixed. One young woman was matter-of-fact. She told me that the divorce in her family “was not even an issue.” Another man in his forties still sounded tired. “There was so much fighting,” he sighed, “I wish they had done it earlier.” Others’ were more emotional. An old friend I went to college with seemed personally injured, all over again, when I told her I was considering divorce. She was “scarred,” she told me. More than thirty years later, and still, never would she “forgive her parents.”

Looking to the professional community, I asked doctors, shrinks, and counselors, “What is best for the children?” Here, too, there were no clear-cut answers. The uniform professional response was that when it comes to divorce they had seen both good and damaging results; but everyone I spoke to, in one way or another, drove me to reflect on the issue of conflict in the household.

How much conflict is too much? I wondered. And by what standard of measurement? We all know that in any relationship no two people always agree, but at what point do the number of disagreements cross the line? My husband and I were not good conflict-resolvers, so, as we coped with divorce, how could we expect to resolve conflict over our conflict? It sounded like a vicious circle to me. I reflected and Googled more.

If I could find out the data on the long-term effects of divorce on children, I reasoned, I’d have clinical evidence. This could guide my decision-making then and going forth. But what my forays in the dark turned up, was that just like the story of any marriage, there are always dissenting opinions and mitigating factors that prevent absolute clarity. There are few longitudinal studies that conclude anything decisive about kids and divorce.

The work of two of the better-known researchers, Judith Wallerstein and E. Mavis Hetherington seems at odds. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study (2001), Wallerstein reports long-term negative effects on children of divorce. In For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered (2003), Hetherington reports that not all kids fare so badly, and that divorce can actually help children living in high-conflict homes.

Seemingly oppositional, these studies also remain controversial for their methodologies. They compare “children of divorced parents” as a group to kids whose parents “did not divorce.” The first group is never compared to those kids whose “parents almost divorced,” or to those whose parents “kept it together but fought every day,” or to those whose parents never fought. It’s a flawed comparison. It reveals only that being part of a happy family is better than being part of an unhappy one.

What is especially strange and surprising is that as much as divorce is a reality in American society, social science has not yet figured out a way to measure the nuances of our reality.

To some extent, Wallerstein and Hetherington do agree on one thing; as do all the studies and serious commentaries ranging from scholarly work to the more legit blogs to parenting magazines: divorce is bad. Divorce is a stressor that poses short and long term risks.

What I have learned from my own divorce and subsequent work with clients since is that the long-term effects on your children will usually depend on your divorce itself. A peaceful divorce (– if that is not an oxymoron) or at least a more amicable divorce will have less negative impact on your kids.

Understand that conflict in the home does not always mean out of control fights or domestic abuse. Too few of us realize that all of our words and actions during and after a divorce affect our children. In fact, the actions and words shared between fighting parents is a leading cause of unhappiness in divorced children. For this we parents must hold ourselves responsible. Individually or together, we splitting parents often send negative messages to our children. You’ve heard that “children are like dry sponges”? So are they incredibly receptive to their parent’s feelings and the emotions one parent is feeling toward the other. Of course, no one intends to send the wrong message to his or her kids. But there is something about the crisis, our own drained, sleep-deprived or adrenalin-fueled state going through divorce that often has us letting loose or withdrawing, just when our kids need us the most.

If you are concerned about divorce and your children, then you must consider your own words and actions. How will your behavior impact their recovery? Don’t look to others for how the divorce played out on their kids. Do focus on your goal: to minimize your children’s exposure to conflict and negativity.

Suggestion 1: Every day as you face and interact with your children, help them understand that the divorce is not their fault. Be open and available to them when they need to talk. As one client told me recently, her daughter is more anxious than she is usually, now that the separation is starting. But to my client’s credit, she recognizes it’s not just words her daughter needs: “It’s the extra hug.”

Suggestion 2: Be there for your kids and also try to put in place a way for your children to receive additional support. A therapist or counselor, as an objective sounding board, can do a lot to help your child understand what is happening and alleviate his/her sense of guilt for the circumstances. Look for developmentally-appropriate books, videos and resources, too, that will help your child understand what s/he is going through.

Suggestion 3: Above all, show your children that you are a still a family no matter how you define your marital status. Your kids need good parents now more than ever, and this is your chance to do your best regardless of how things have been in the past.

See more from SAS For Women
http://sasforwomen.com/will-the-kids-be-all-right-long-term-effects-of-divorce-on-children/

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Talk to any splitting parent, and it’s the kids.

No matter where you are in the process — deli...

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Divorce Coaching

Modern Shift shared a Question

Divorce is frightening and painful. You don't have to lose everything. And you don't have to figure it out alone.

"How will I get through this?"

Looking for help navigating your way through divorce?
Arianna Jeret, MA/MSW
Mediator | Divorce Coach
http://www.modernshift.com/discover/resources/arianna-jeret-ma-msw

DIVORCE COMMUNITY + DIVORCE RESOURCES | MODERN SHIFT

"How will I get through this?"

Looking for help navigating your way through divorce?
Arianna ...

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Divorce Coach, Divorce Mediator

Modern Shift shared a Question

WHY IS THE COURT INVOLVED IN AN UNCONTESTED DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA?

In California, a divorce in which you and your spouse have successfully come to a resolution about how property, debts, assets, and/or custody will be divided is known as an uncontested divorce. If a couple can agree on the terms of their divorce, the experienced attorneys at Simply Divorced can finalize your uncontested divorce, and handle all of the paperwork and filings, without you ever having to step foot inside the courtroom.

The divorce process is necessary because your marriage was a legal, binding union. As such, California law mandates that the end of that marriage be a legal, binding action. All contested or uncontested divorces in Southern California are bound by the same laws and court processes. If you agree on the terms of your divorce, the attorneys at Simply Divorced will work with you to write a Settlement Agreemen...

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In California, a divorce in which you and your spouse have successfully come to a resolution about how property, debts, assets, and/or custody will be divided is known as an uncontested divorce. If a couple can agree on the terms of their divorce, the experienced attorneys at Simply Divorced can finalize your uncontested divorce, and handle all of the paperwork and filings, without you ever having to step foot inside the courtroom.

The divorce process is necessary because your marriage was a legal, binding union. As such, California law mandates that the end of that marriage be a legal, binding action. All contested or uncontested divorces in Southern California are bound by the same laws and court processes. If you agree on the terms of your divorce, the attorneys at Simply Divorced will work with you to write a Settlement Agreement, which is ultimately filed with the Court, and approved by the Judge.

Until the court declares you and your spouse legally divorced, you both remain legally responsible for the financial and/or parental obligations you had during the marriage. Likewise, until the court in your Southern California County officially declares you divorced, and restores your status to “unmarried person” neither you nor your spouse may remarry.

At Simply Divorced, we take the complexity out of dealing with the California Courts. From start to finish, we will help you through the divorce paperwork, ensuring accuracy (thereby preventing delays), and timeliness to help you to obtain a divorce as quickly as possible in the California court system.

If you'd like to get started on your uncontested divorce in California, contact us today to schedule a consultation with the experienced Los Angeles based divorce attorneys at Simply Divorced.

Learn More About Simply Divorced
http://www.modernshift.com/discover/resources/simply-divorced-a-professional-law-corporation

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Divorce Made Simple