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Misa Beach shared an Experience

Recently divorced with one child living in Tiburon, CA


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Karin shared an Experience

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love"--Jennifer Weiner

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy is staying in an  unhappy marriage, teaching your childr...

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divorce, truth, authentic, values

Ezra Migel shared an Event

16 Where: 1021A Valencia St, San Francisco, CA 94110, United States.
When: Jan, 16, 2015 07:15 am

Hangover Helper: Yoga Detox Workshop

Hangover Helper: Yoga Detox Workshop

Sweat It Out

Recover from your week and get pumped for the weekend with a dynamic yoga session. You'll sweat it out through a powerful and twisty vinyasa sequence to re-energize from working or playing too hard through the week.

Detox flow — based on Vinyasa flow yoga and suitable for all levels — is all about movement combinations that stimulate and invigorate your circulatory system, helping clear out toxins in the process.

So get ready to sweat, stretch, and recover from whatever you did last night with a nourishing practice. You'll definitely have earned it.

WHEN

FRIDAY, JANUARY 16

7:15AM

WHERE

BEYOND CANVAS STUDIO

1021A VALENCIA ST

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94110

ORIGINAL SOURCE

https://secure.sosh.com/san-francisco/marketplace/hangover-helper-yoga-detox-workshop/m/4j4a/


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yoga, New Year, Detox

Modern Shift shared an Experience

Raising a Moral Child

What does it take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for teaching kids to become high achievers. For example, research suggests that when parents praise effort rather than ability, children develop a stronger work ethic and become more motivated.

Yet although some parents live vicariously through their children’s accomplishments, success is not the No. 1 priority for most parents. We’re much more concerned about our children becoming kind, compassionate and helpful. Surveys reveal that in the United States, parents from European, Asian, Hispanic and African ethnic groups all place far greater importance on caring than achievement. These patterns hold around the world: When people in 50 countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the value that mattered most was not achieveme...

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Raising a Moral Child

What does it take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for teaching kids to become high achievers. For example, research suggests that when parents praise effort rather than ability, children develop a stronger work ethic and become more motivated.

Yet although some parents live vicariously through their children’s accomplishments, success is not the No. 1 priority for most parents. We’re much more concerned about our children becoming kind, compassionate and helpful. Surveys reveal that in the United States, parents from European, Asian, Hispanic and African ethnic groups all place far greater importance on caring than achievement. These patterns hold around the world: When people in 50 countries were asked to report their guiding principles in life, the value that mattered most was not achievement, but caring.

Despite the significance that it holds in our lives, teaching children to care about others is no simple task. In an Israeli study of nearly 600 families, parents who valued kindness and compassion frequently failed to raise children who shared those values.

Are some children simply good-natured — or not? For the past decade, I’ve been studying the surprising success of people who frequently help others without any strings attached. As the father of two daughters and a son, I’ve become increasingly curious about how these generous tendencies develop.

Genetic twin studies suggest that anywhere from a quarter to more than half of our propensity to be giving and caring is inherited. That leaves a lot of room for nurture, and the evidence on how parents raise kind and compassionate children flies in the face of what many of even the most well-intentioned parents do in praising good behavior, responding to bad behavior, and communicating their values.

By age 2, children experience some moral emotions — feelings triggered by right and wrong. To reinforce caring as the right behavior, research indicates, praise is more effective than rewards. Rewards run the risk of leading children to be kind only when a carrot is offered, whereas praise communicates that sharing is intrinsically worthwhile for its own sake. But what kind of praise should we give when our children show early signs of generosity?

Many parents believe it’s important to compliment the behavior, not the child — that way, the child learns to repeat the behavior. Indeed, I know one couple who are careful to say, “That was such a helpful thing to do,” instead of, “You’re a helpful person.”

But is that the right approach? In a clever experiment, the researchers Joan E. Grusec and Erica Redler set out to investigate what happens when we commend generous behavior versus generous character. After 7- and 8-year-olds won marbles and donated some to poor children, the experimenter remarked, “Gee, you shared quite a bit.”

The researchers randomly assigned the children to receive different types of praise. For some of the children, they praised the action: “It was good that you gave some of your marbles to those poor children. Yes, that was a nice and helpful thing to do.” For others, they praised the character behind the action: “I guess you’re the kind of person who likes to help others whenever you can. Yes, you are a very nice and helpful person.”

A couple of weeks later, when faced with more opportunities to give and share, the children were much more generous after their character had been praised than after their actions had been. Praising their character helped them internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral behaviors, nouns work better than verbs. To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them “to help,” it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to “be a helper.” Cheating was cut in half when instead of, “Please don’t cheat,” participants were told, “Please don’t be a cheater.” When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.

Praise appears to be particularly influential in the critical periods when children develop a stronger sense of identity. When the researchers Joan E. Grusec and Erica Redler praised the character of 5-year-olds, any benefits that may have emerged didn’t have a lasting impact: They may have been too young to internalize moral character as part of a stable sense of self. And by the time children turned 10, the differences between praising character and praising actions vanished: Both were effective. Tying generosity to character appears to matter most around age 8, when children may be starting to crystallize notions of identity.

Praise in response to good behavior may be half the battle, but our responses to bad behavior have consequences, too. When children cause harm, they typically feel one of two moral emotions: shame or guilt. Despite the common belief that these emotions are interchangeable, research led by the psychologist June Price Tangney reveals that they have very different causes and consequences.

Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing. Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating: Shame makes children feel small and worthless, and they respond either by lashing out at the target or escaping the situation altogether. In contrast, guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior. When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right.

Read Full Article

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/04/12/opinion/sunday/raising-a-moral-child.html?referrer#_=_

By ADAM GRANT

Original Source

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/04/12/opinion/sunday/raising-a-moral-child.html?referrer#_=_

Photo Credit

RUTU MODAN

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Raising a Moral Child



What does it take to be a good parent? We know some of the tricks for te...

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Modern Shift shared an Experience

Facebook’s Last Taboo: The Unhappy Marriage

At the end of July, Michael Ellsberg posted something truly subversive on Facebook. It wasn’t a scantily clad photograph of himself. Instead, to his 25,000 or so followers he wrote: “Jena and I are no longer married. This has been a heart-wrenching process for both of us, over the past year, and we are thankful for the support of our friends, family and community in helping us through this. We are on very good terms.” (His former wife, Jena la Flamme, posted the same message on her wall.)

With those few sentences, Mr. Ellsberg, 37, peeled off the social face that so many of us maintain on Facebook when it comes to our spouses, illustrated by reams of photos that make marriage look like a constant (and happy) vacation, or seem to show us auditioning for a dating site advertisement.

Ge...

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Facebook’s Last Taboo: The Unhappy Marriage

At the end of July, Michael Ellsberg posted something truly subversive on Facebook. It wasn’t a scantily clad photograph of himself. Instead, to his 25,000 or so followers he wrote: “Jena and I are no longer married. This has been a heart-wrenching process for both of us, over the past year, and we are thankful for the support of our friends, family and community in helping us through this. We are on very good terms.” (His former wife, Jena la Flamme, posted the same message on her wall.)

With those few sentences, Mr. Ellsberg, 37, peeled off the social face that so many of us maintain on Facebook when it comes to our spouses, illustrated by reams of photos that make marriage look like a constant (and happy) vacation, or seem to show us auditioning for a dating site advertisement.

Generally harder to find on the social network of over one billion people is the documentation of strife, anxiety, discord or discontent — states that anyone who has been married knows are a natural part of the emotional kaleidoscope of the institution. Marital distress, it seems, is the third rail, the untouchable topic of Facebook.

“I certainly felt like a pioneer posting about my divorce on Facebook,” said Ms. la Flamme, a weight-loss expert and author of “Pleasurable Weight Loss.”

About a month later, in August, Keith Hinson, a 37-year-old resident of Orlando, Fla., posted the first of what became a sort of mini-meme: the divorce selfie.

There, on his Facebook page, was Mr. Hinson and his former wife, Michelle Knight, grinning, with their divorce papers. The caption was, “We smile not because it’s over, but because it happened.”

Still, those who have spent more than a few passing minutes on Facebook could attest to the fact that marriage is usually portrayed in an exceptionally positive light, more so than other areas of our lives. There is far more social acceptability to not only grumble but to seek input about the missteps in our careers or the sleep deprivation that goes with child rearing than about the possible fissures in a marriage.

Breaking the news about his divorce, said Mr. Ellsberg, author of “The Education of Millionaires,” was a departure from the “smiling photos and professions of love” he had formerly published about his relationship with Ms. la Flamme. The announcement, which the couple says they spent months crafting together, was met with mostly positive responses, says Mr. Ellsberg, who continues to share a townhouse in Harlem with Ms. la Flamme.

Like many couples on Facebook, they were managing their marital brand, even after its dissolution, creating and honing their message much like a corporate news release.

The glue of the Facebook marital brand is the relationship status — Facebook gives users many options to define it: married, single, divorced, separated and widowed, to name a few.

Changing one’s status after, or during, a divorce can be fraught. Back in 2009, Penney Berryman came into work and looked at her Facebook newsfeed to discover that her husband at the time had changed his status from “married” to “single,” an announcement of their separation they hadn’t yet agreed to broadcast.

“I was still married to someone who made a public statement about our relationship that I wasn’t ready for,” said Ms. Berryman, 32, a marketing and communications specialist for a health care company in Austin, Tex.

Then Ms. Berryman revised her own status, leaving it blank and opting not to have the change show up on her public newsfeed. In the transition to her divorce, Ms. Berryman also had to alter other aspects her public digital life, starting by deleting some timeline photos of her wedding and other marital milestones. “It was tough to figure out how do I represent this part of my life that doesn’t exist anymore but used to be such a big part,” she said.

So why does the social media screen tend to go dark after the wedding, only to light up with the occasional burst of good news? Perhaps Facebook is actually mimicking the real-life personal dynamic, where once the vows are exchanged, the marital code of silence goes into effect: The oversharing culture, which reigns during the engagement and wedding, suddenly morphs to undersharing about our spouses. Maybe there’s not as much of a highlight reel to show after the honeymoon when real life sets in.

It has to do with vulnerability, said Sherry Turkle, a M.I.T. psychologist and author of “Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other.” “If you complain about your pet, your job, even your children, there is a sense in which these are external to you — the complaint is about what life has dealt you,” she said in a phone interview. “When you complain about your marriage, the boundary between marriage and the self is much less firm.”

In other words, we see our partners as a reflection on us, and any hint of weakness, insecurity or conflict isn’t good for our personal brand, what we all essentially have been reduced to on social media.

It’s understandable that people don’t want to sound off about their spouse in a public forum. It’s unseemly and hard to imagine that it could be done without creating further problems.

But the urge to talk about marriage and our spouses is there. People just want to do it anonymously. More popular than Facebook for marital venting are anonymous forums, like Secret and Whisper, where users post admissions along the lines of, “My wife doesn’t know I smoke a joint every night when she goes to bed.”

“There, you get what you are missing on social media, which is a whole range of discussion about abuse and cheating,” said Ms. Turkle who has researched some of these anonymous confessional sites.

For those who aren’t looking to confess something but instead want to crowd-source advice or support, is there a lexicon for a more honest dialogue about marriage on Facebook, or is a social network that has no “dislike” button not the place for candid conversations on the topic?

Mr. Ellsberg thinks Facebook could help couples if people posted in a way that took accountability, as in no blaming or finger pointing. Something along the lines of, “Does anyone have any advice about how I could deal with anger in a way that isn’t destructive to our marriage?”

With the average American spending over four and a half hours a week on Facebook (or, around 40 minutes a day, according to the site), is the one-sided narrative of marriage the equivalent of watching too many rom-coms that end happily ever after, in that way distorting everyone’s view of the institution?

“There is a fairy-tale marketing of marriage that we all participate in,” Mr. Ellsberg said. “It’s a mirage, and it does a disservice to people who are thinking of getting married, just as painting parenting as all fun and games would be a disservice to future parents.”

But Ms. Turkle doesn’t think Facebook is the forum for those public service announcements. Facebook, she said, is the place “where you show your best self. It’s a place for good news, not the place where you talk about your most vulnerable self. Marriage lies so close to the raw bone of who you are, so I think people need boundaries and privacy to feel a certain integrity to maintain the relationship.”

Conjuring a thought experiment, she said, “Imagine the post: We are going bankrupt, and he is blaming me.”

Even in an age when people post nude photos online, that statement seems unimaginable — no, completely radical — to scroll through amid a flurry of wedding, baby and cute cat photos that litter all of our feeds.

So just as couples have for decades, there will, at least for now, be a gap between the public and the private marriage. Circa 2014, the public marriage is no longer just the happy front couples put on at cocktail and dinner parties, but the unified brand they purvey to hundreds, even thousands, of friends and followers. As with the divorce selfie, it only takes one bold post or picture to shift the social media norms. “Maybe if people were more honest about their marital problems on Facebook, it would start a trend,” said Ashley Reich, senior editor of Huffington Post Divorce and Huffington Post Weddings. “For now, though, it’s something people talk about more behind closed doors.”

By HANNAH SELIGSON

Original Source

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/28/fashion/facebook-last-taboo-the-unhappy-marriage.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

Photo Credit

Oliver Munday

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Facebook’s Last Taboo: The Unhappy Marriage



At the end of July, Michael Ellsberg posted someth...

kyle commented on this Experience

Facebook, taboo, Unhappy Marriage, divorce

Modern Shift shared an Experience

The horizon leans forward, offering space to place new steps of change.

- Maya Angelou -

Happy New Year!!


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New Year, Move On

kyle shared a Question

How is 2015 treating you?

How is 2015 treating you?

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transition, New Years Resolution

Modern Shift shared an Experience

Change is good...the future is bright!

Change is good...the future is bright!

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New Year, Let Go, Move On

Ezra Migel shared an Experience

The last days of 2014...

Excited to see where 2015 will take me.

The last days of 2014... 

Excited to see where 2015 will take me.

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New Year

Ezra Migel shared a Question

The last days of 2014

The last days of 2014

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New Year, New Years Eve